bitter or justified?

So, I understand that I’ve had a rough go of it lately, what with being rejected in every form and venue possible, but I’ve really had it with one of my friends. Though I use the term loosely because we’re just friends on Facebook and that’s about it, but every stupid status update is about her and “her man.” It is all she talks about. And I could literally not care less.

Examples:
Jessica and her man are going to pick out pumpkins.
Jessica and her man are going to the bar on a double date.
Jessica loves her man so much!!

Carrie is about to vomit.

Point, Counter Point

My friend directed me to the following article yesterday: 15 Signs You’re Bad At Dating and then proceeded to list off which ones she thought applied to her. I thought, what a GREAT idea for a blog post. I bet I have an example for each of these where it worked/didn’t work in my favor. So here we go:

1. You Can Go To A Crowded Bar And Not Meet Someone – I’ve run the gambit on this one.  More often than not, I go to a crowded bar and meet no one.  Or I go, meet someone, give them my phone number and then they never call me.  Or I go when I know The One will be there and something happens but that doesn’t count because we already know each other.  Or I go, meet someone, and he tries to get me to go home with him, but he’s a bit young, and probably a liar when he says he has family money because of the company they own and it isn’t verifiable on Google, and I have a friend in town anyway, but even if I didn’t, I’m not that interested.  And then there’s the whole issue that meeting someone in a crowded bar very rarely results in something serious because one or both of you would never be interested in the other when sober.

2. Funky Chicken - AKA bad dancer means bad at sex.  Umm, so this is kind of awkward.  I’m a horrible dancer.  And I joke that I’m horrible at sex because many times I thought I was putting The One to sleep.  But I don’t think one has anything to do with the other.

3. So Close, Yet So Far Away - AKA being in the right place at the right time AND taking advantage.  For example, on my bus to work on Monday I saw the cutest guy EVER, sitting alone, in a Michigan State jacket, so I COULD have approached and mentioned their big win over Michigan the previous weekend but instead I just gawked.  Then you have the other side when I approached a dude at a bar to tell him he’d done a great job singing his song (not my lawyer friend, yes I go to LOTS of karaoke bars) and while most guys would recognize that as an in, he just said “thank you” and that was that.  So either way, I end up right back where I started.

4. Don’t Get Jealous, Get Even -AKA if you have a friend who has guys falling all over her, LEARN from her rather than be jealous. I do have a friend like that, and honestly I think she’s just so laid back and doesn’t heave piles of desperation at guys like I do, so they come flocking. Amazingly, I am WAY more laid back than I used to be when I was 23 and say went into my coworkers office in my WORKOUT clothes wanting to know why he hadn’t asked me on a date yet even though he flirted with me all the time so what was his deal? Now, I really try to give off the impression that I don’t care even if I do, which is exhausting and frankly I’m sick of it, so I should just genuinely not give a shit.

5. Mixin’ Business With Pleasure – AKA handing your business card to someone you want to call you. Okay, I’ve only ever done this ONCE, mostly because in my career I’ve rarely had business cards so for the one job where I did that actually required me handing them out, I gave out one to a person that I had made out with while HAMMERED and thank GOD he never called or emailed me because I wouldn’t have remembered him anyway. I also don’t write my number down on napkins and give them to people. Anymore. I did that before cell phones were everywhere and I think one guy called me MONTHS later and never actually told me his name and only ever called me at midnight and I was 18 and he was 25 so that confused me. But now in the cell phone era you just swap numbers at the bar, here’s my number, call me so I have yours, and two months later you come across their number in your phone and have no idea who they are.

6. You’re Bad At Breakups – I’m great at the blow-off and I’m great at getting blown off. Rarely is there a legitimate relationship involved,

7. Just Teasin’ – Apparently you’re supposed to be a tease or you’re doing it wrong? I have no idea. I think there are situations where I’m great at this and situations when I’m not, it just depends on the guy. But being a tease is just all a part of the game, and you think it will make them want you more but really they’re playing you on the side while actually dating someone in New York City even though the both of you live in CHICAGO so having you readily available vs. chick in NYC is actually less desirable so all that witty banter was for nothing.

8. Dead On Approach – Say hi and be friendly to everyone so others will notice. I think this should just apply at all times. Makes you more approachable, blah blah. I think at times I have an unapproachable vibe going on, not in every day life but maybe at crowded bars because I’m sick of meeting guys that way. Or like for example today when I was walking to the train and a cute guy was walking in my direction and looking in my direction and instead of smiling I just looked away because I looked like crap so why would he want to talk to me?

9. Smooth Sailing On The Friendship – Basically they’re saying here that if your guy friends don’t fall for you then you suck at life. I have a big issue with this one because I have some guy friends who are fabulous but I would never date them and I don’t think they would ever date me and it has nothing to do with our value as humans (I don’t think). Also, I’ve fallen for friends and it has never ended in anything other than disaster. So now I just have less friends, and no one wants that. And the ones who have fallen for me have either been too aggressive or have hidden their feelings for so long that one night you’re at bar with a group of people and they just flip out on you in front of everyone for leading them on.

10. Company Man – And if you go out with your guy friends all the time it is to your detriment because they are cock-blocking you. Not an issue for me for two reasons, one being I am usually out with a group of girls and two if a guy is really afraid to approach me because I’m out with guys then he sucks anyway.

11. Change Clothes And Go – Don’t go out in the clothes you work in, yeah yeah got it. You have to feel attractive to give off that vibe and won’t necessarily do it in your work clothes. I especially wouldn’t do it in mine because I can wear whatever I want to work. But even the nights when I’ve gone out feeling stunning, I’ve met no one. And then the days I look like crap, I meet someone. Go figure.

12. Calvin Klein Isn’t The Only One Creating Obsession – AKA when you meet a guy, don’t automatically give him a label (Fuck Buddy, Just Friends, Not Sure, The One). Apparently you’re just supposed to have fun and see where it goes. Yes, I’m guilty of doing this. When I met The One, I immediately decided we were meant to be married, which was obviously completely false, but it didn’t stop me from labeling him. I’ve also had first impressions of guys that were neutral where I didn’t think of them in any way and then wound up being good friends with them or liking them. Best example is of the guy who when I first met him thought he was hilarious but unattractive and a week later was letting him kiss me. Of course that went nowhere like all the rest but just proves that even when I don’t initially obsess, I still manage to ruin things.

13. You’re A Bitter Betty – Yes, yes I am. I am bitter. I’m bitter and I don’t care if it is preventing me from dating people right now. I have hit a really rough patch with this dating shit and while by no means am I blameless, I really know how to fall for the lowest of the low guys. So that doesn’t help my bitterness and I just honestly don’t care right now what they think of me. Plus, I can’t honestly think of a time when I haven’t been bitter to see if not being bitter would help me out. Really because we all know I’m going to die alone I should just embrace that and just not be bitter anymore.

14. Don’t Be Afraid To Make Mistakes – I have made every mistake possible and am still alone. Thanks.

15. Be A Lady – That ship has sailed!

Meet My Lawyer Friend

You know how sometimes someone likes you and they could literally hit you in the face with a tire iron but you wouldn’t notice because you’re semi-involved with a total asshole and are therefore devoting all your energy to him?  Yeah, exactly, and then the total asshole breaks your heart and you have to move away just to forget about him and none of that would have ever happened if you had just returned the lawyer’s damn phone call?

So I’m at this karaoke bar one night with some co-workers.  Actually, I was the only girl in the group, which was fine, because at the TIME I didn’t realize that guys gossip just as much as girls too so I might as well have been out with girls but I digress.  This cute guy who is obviously in his work clothes gets up and sings “Craclkin’ Rosie” by Neil Diamond and did SUCH a good job that I was instantly in love.

When he was finished singing, as luck would have it, he came and sat down next to me.  He was probably there before and I just didn’t notice, so I told him he did a great job, and we started talking.  He was a bankruptcy attorney downtown for a small, private practice.  He was a bit older than me; about eight years, and was SO cute and when I’m drunk I ALWAYS think I want to be with someone who likes me as opposed to my sober version who picks out assholes.  It was a Thursday night and I suggested we go out to dinner the following evening.  He got my number and then we proceeded to make out.  All night.  In front of my coworkers.

The next day I’m at work and get a call on my cell from an unfamiliar number, so I let it go to voicemail.  When I checked it, it turned out to be the lawyer, calling to confirm our dinner date.  So, a quick recap:

I was at a karaoke bar, surrounded by guys, but this cute lawyer was not intimidated and was still willing to talk to me, make out with me, AND take me out to dinner the next day.  So what do I do?  Get freaked out and not call him back.  Even though the total asshole had no intention of taking me out either so I instead chose to sit home by myself on a Friday night watching DVR’d episodes of Grey’s Anatomy rather than on a hot date with a cute lawyer.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??  Even though this was quite a while ago and ONE encounter, I think if I had gone on the date with him, things may have turned out differently.

Maybe even the one date that never was would have made me devote my time & energy elsewhere instead of focused on a total asshole.   Although, Lawyer Friend was NORMAL unlike SOME PEOPLE and so that was my one and only shot (as it should have been) because he never called again (again, right move on his part…I was the dumbass here).

If only I hadn’t been so dumb…

Meet the Total Psycho

One of my friends wanted to set me up w/the TS, under the assumption that he had somehow turned down (or off) the desperation that he reeks of on dates and specifically on THEIR dates. She told me she thought he needed someone with a “stronger” personality (though I believe at one point she may have used the word masculine — and I wonder why I can’t get dates). In any event, she put us in touch a LONG time ago, via our old friend Instant Messenger. TS immediately looked me up on MySpace AND Facebook and I believe during our very first conversation he said, “you look like a cleavage baring party animal.” Okay, no. I SHOULD have responded with “well you look like a short, little prick and you can go fuck yourself,” however I do believe this conversation was happening while I was a) at work and b) so madly and unreasonably in love with the One Who Is Really Not The One But We’ll Call Him the One b/c its easier that I didn’t care.  I already thought so LITTLE of TS that I couldn’t be bothered to care that much.

It was only when he started IM-ing me things like that ON A DAILY BASIS, that I finally blocked him from IM.  I just didn’t need the annoyance.  He kept asking me to meet him and based on his online demeanor I’d decided that a more appealing option would be to jump in front of an oncoming train.  I didn’t block him on FB or MS though because, again, who cares.  So a year plus goes by and I find that he’s leaving semi-normal comments on some of my FB updates and I decided to then follow him on Twitter, where we’d occasionally banter back and forth about sports.  That was mistake #1 (finding & following him on Twitter).

He of course then asks me why we hadn’t met yet (um, because you’re a FREAK who comes on too strong maybe).  I tried to keep him at bay because, while semi-normal, he still gave me a weird vibe and I could not have been LESS interested.  Truly.  Given my summer of rejection, I wasn’t in the mood, and I found absolutely NOTHING attractive about TS.  He’s, for one thing, five or more inches below my height requirement and just not someone that I’d ever find attractive, even if he had a good personality.  But unattractive + extremely sucky personality = vomit.

TS is, if anything, persistent and I finally agreed to meet him.  I figured I could just do basically everything you AREN’T supposed to do on a first date (not that I considered it a date but I knew he would).  So that’s what I did.  I told him I never wanted to get married (not true and most guys would probably love to hear that but he’s the opposite of most guys).  This did not stop him from joking about our wedding.  Or mentioning me meeting his grandmother.  I also pointed out that I wasn’t a member of his preferred religion but he said he didn’t care because he could “pass me off” as that religion to said grandmother and that was all that mattered.  I also wore no makeup, threw my hair in a ponytail, and was going to talk about the One the whole time so he would think I wasn’t over him but I wound up not doing that.  As he walked me home, he informed me I could no longer wear heels so I wouldn’t be taller than him.

At this point, I really wanted to punch him in the face.  Who SAYS things like that?  Also, this is why I LIKE taller guys so that I CAN wear heels.  I mean, I’m not that tall, either, like, 5’4″ or so.   So I manage to run up to my apartment without him trying to kiss me because, really, if he had, there is NO way I would have let him.  Ew gross.

I should also mention that during our back and forth on Twitter, I let him start IM-ing me again and he once again started saying inappropriate things immediately, so I blocked him again.  My second mistake, then, was to agree to ever meet him in the first place and not follow my gut which was like please do NOT.

The day after our non-date, he texts me, but all it said was hi.  I don’t respond to those types of texts.  What am I supposed to say, “hi back?” Though I guess if I really liked him I would have responded but since he makes me want to vomit, I ignored him.  A little while later, I updated my FB saying I was going to a baseball game.  IMMEDIATELY I get another text: Have fun at the baseball game.  I ignored that one too.

The next day I was having drinks with my friend Christopher when TS calls me.  Leaves a voicemail indicating he just “wanted to know what you were up to” (other than ignoring him, nothing).  Two days after that, he texts me again alerting me to the fact that I never called him back.  Yeah, no shit.  An HOUR after the text, I get an email asking why I didn’t call back.  At this point, I block him from every possible way of contacting me, minus keeping his number in my phone for screening purposes.

Why couldn’t he just take the hint?  Sure, I probably should have just told him I didn’t want to see him again but was afraid that was going to provoke a barrage of texts/calls/emails as to why I should, since he sucks at taking the hint (actually at life in general but that’s fine).  This whole thing is baffling.  I think I’ve been aggressive in pursuing guys before, but never to that extreme.  I mean if I text or call once and it goes unanswered, I wait a week or so before trying ONE more time.   I just can’t imagine anyone being that dumb.  But TS is, and then some.  Especially to do all of this after one encounter.  Running joke now between all my friends is of course asking when we get to meet grandmothers.