I am kind of bummed because I had this entire speech planned that sounded amazing and logical and would appease him of any guilt.  I mean, he doesn’t need to feel guilty for having a girlfriend, only for how he’s treated me in the past, but since we’re not going to be friends anymore, he therefore doesn’t have to feel bad about it (if he even still did, which is debatable).

On top of all of this – I had made a recent comment to my friend in Atlanta, we’ll call him OSU, about how Ken Dorsey was the love of my life (obviously joking since I’ve never met the kid – it was just when I was going through my tall, skinny, QB phase).  He then made some comment about how OSU killed him in the ’03 Fiesta Bowl, to which I responded asking he kindly never bring up that game again.  A couple nights later he texts me, “just so you know, they call me Ken Dorsey.”  Really??  Really?  You’re seriously telling me this?  I mean…sure, he was probably joking, but why go there?  My first reaction was, “is he trying to tell me something else?”  Surely he wouldn’t tell me via text that he wants to be the love of my life, nor can he be since I’m pretty sure he’s dating someone.  But, it was just an odd thing to say, and I really wasn’t sure how to react OR respond.  So, after careful consideration, I responded with, “does that mean I get to sack you?”  Annnnd….nothing.  That’s right.  That got no response.

I give up.

Anyway.  As I  mentioned in a different post, I met the Vampire’s girlfriend recently and thought she was awesome.  So, I added her as a friend on Facebook and she accepted.  Simple as that.

Except…not so much.  Last week he told me he thought it was “weird given our history” that I’d added her as a friend – even though history means it is in the past so who cares?  I guess he did.  I told him we should just pretend everything between us never happened (and I have no clue what he told her about “us”) and he agreed.  Then, all of a sudden, I notice my friend count goes down.  Confirming my suspicion, I went to Vampiress’ page to see she’d deleted me as a friend.  I can only imagine he told her it made him uncomfortable or said something equally as bad about me.  So I went to his page and deleted him (yes, this feels all very 7th-grade-y to me and he just turned 30) as a friend.  This time, there was no message.  I am sure he hasn’t noticed.  But if he asks, my explanation will be simple: if you don’t think she should be friends with me, why do you get to be?

Luckily I defriended him on Facebook a long time ago otherwise I’m sure I’d see more upsetting things.

I think I’m making progress though.  A year ago, I would have made up some bullshit excuse as to why I HAD to be at the party, I would have then proceeded to invite myself and it would have likely ended in disaster as so many parties with us there have.  This year though, I am uninterested in attending.  And really.  That’s huge.

It’s hard to take a person seriously who is telling you that you deserve better after they’ve treated you like complete garbage.  I actually wanted to deck him but that’s not very ladylike.   Of all the profoundly inappropriate things he said to me, I think the worst was when he said he didn’t even remember us hooking up because he was so drunk.  Which I think was an exaggeration because I don’t remember him being THAT drunk, but that’s fine.

Anyway, the Vampire’s girlfriend inexplicably sent me an Evite for his birthday party a few weeks ago.  I went and dragged two friends with me and we all wound up loving her.  So much, in fact that we were wondering if we should stage an intervention with her because she could do so much better.  But I saw him with her and treating her the way she deserved to be treated, so once the nausea kicked in, I was ready to leave.  Really, my sole purpose of going was to meet this girl who was apparently so fabulous, and she was, and also so skinny I could have broken her over my knee.  But that’s mean.

She thanked me profusely for coming and told me how happy she was to “finally” meet me, so I deduced the Vampire had not told her what had actually gone on between us or she wouldn’t have been so nice.  Or maybe she would have…who knows.  But he was a completely different person around her:  sweet, affectionate, attentive.  The most affection I ever got out of him in public was him trying to unhook my bra in a bar (and I wish I was kidding, and yes I elbowed him in the stomach for that one).

Here’s the thing:  As wrong as he was for me, he taught me a valuable lesson.  Don’t act like a big hooch right away.  Try to seem at least a LITTLE wholesome before you start having pickup line wars via text message.  It can only lead to bad things.

I have a friend, who lives in Atlanta, and we met over a year ago and really hit it off but distance is hard and I’m not sure he’s even interested and I’m not sure if I am interested or just interested because the well in Chicago has run dry (for now).  But he’s funny and makes me laugh and we talk all the time so I have this glimmer of hope that it’ll happen one day.

Basically I would sacrifice my overwhelming hatred for Ohio State to be with him.  And if you know me, that’s huge.

At one point during my “relationship” with Chris, I finally told him it wasn’t working for me and it was either going to have to be a legitimate relationship or nothing.  He of course chose nothing so I took my heartbroken self home and was promptly dragged against my will to a Cubs game where I wound up meeting Matt, a friend of a friend.  Matt overheard me telling Maria about what happened with Chris and immediately offered to be my rebound.  Like a moron, I said yes, even though he lived about two hours away and I wasn’t really ready for much.

At first, we kept it light.  Mostly chatting online and on the phone.  It didn’t occur to me for some time that he was always drunk when he called me.  We’d talk online at work when I HOPE he was sober, but he was pretty much wasted for all of our phone calls.

About two months in, he came to spend the weekend with me, and immediately after that stopped speaking to me for months.  Maybe it was because I didn’t give him what he wanted, but it just wasn’t the right time.  I think my gut knew he would stop speaking to me regardless, so I needed to make the choice that would leave me the least upset.  Sure, it started as a rebound but we literally talked every day and I started getting attached, and I could guess that he wasn’t, especially when he told me he slept with someone else two weeks prior to his visit.  After he disappeared, I figured it was for the best.

Then I met the Vampire, so I figured, “fuck Matt” (but not literally) and then a few months later he resurfaced.  Said he’d be in town and wanted to see me.  All my friends advised against it.  But, I was curious and looking for closure so figured a drink or two couldn’t hurt.

As usual, I was wrong.  What could have possibly gone wrong, you wonder?  Glad you asked.

The night was going really well; we were getting along and having a blast and it was as if nothing had ever happened.

Until…

We ran into Chris on a date and I pretty much had a break down in the street.  Matt starts yelling at me about how “this is bullshit” and I’m just “using him.”  Which would have been a valid argument BEFORE he disappeared rather than after.  He basically storms off, leaving me crying in the street, and refused to speak to me when I tried to apologize.  And he hasn’t spoken to me since.  He did apparently tell one of our mutual friends, however, that I was being childish and he’d never really liked me to begin with.  Awesome.  Glad we cleared that up.

Anyway.  The day went well and we were hitting it off – so much so that I pulled my friend aside to ask her what she thought of the whole thing and she told me something I will never forget but wish I had listened to: “he is a terrible boyfriend.  don’t go there.”

I should have listened because she’d known him longer and had proof.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t because I had never felt that way about someone in such a short period of time, possibly ever, and I wasn’t going to just give it up because one person thought I should.  So I persisted.

Early in the evening, the party switched apartments.  At the second apartment there was an entirely different crowd.  Chris and I huddled in a corner by ourselves until someone came up to us and asked us if we were wearing the same color shirts on purpose.  He wrapped his arms around me and said, “No, but don’t we look like a couple?”  Then when he was getting us drinks, someone asked me how long him & I had been together.  I was elated that everyone ELSE thought we were together.  But as the night wore on, I started to get more upset.  He hadn’t even asked for my number at that point, so I was starting to assume this was all in my head.

And then – finally.  He said I lived in the vicinity of a lot of good restaurants and he wanted to take me to dinner the following week.  We exchanged numbers and then he asked me if I wanted to go up on the rooftop deck with him.  We went up and the view of the skyline was striking.  Especially at dusk on an unseasonably warm evening in May.  As we stood there he asked if he could kiss me and I said yes.  So he did.  And it was one of those kisses where the world falls away, and you think that as long as you can kiss this one person for the rest of your life then all the pain and rejection and heartbreak before them was worth it because it GOT you to them and now everything is glorious.

Eventually others joined us on the roof and then I had to leave for said rescue mission.  He kissed me goodbye as I left and I spent the next three days floating on air until it occurred to me that he should have called me by that point.  Day six rolled around and I witnessed him exchange numbers with another girl in front of me (as detailed in my first post).

And yes, after that I was dumb enough to get involved with him.   It just sort of happened, a month or so later, the beginning of a vicious cycle that would test me in ways I didn’t think possible (and of course I failed every freakin’ one).

One night he told me he never wanted to get married.  It was during one of our many sleepovers and he asked me if I wanted that.  I said I did, eventually, and he said he didn’t.  And then he said quite possibly the saddest thing I’d ever heard: “I don’t mind being alone.”  But then after that night, there was a slight shift.  He started to act more like we were together.  And as soon as I started to let my guard down, he pulled away again.

There was a period of about two months, after that, when we didn’t see each other.  Every day was agony because I had no idea what was going on.  I just couldn’t believe it was possible to feel that way about someone and not have it reciprocated.  Right around the time I was moving on (after I met the Vampire) he resurfaced.  Like a little weakling, I ran back until he disappeared again.  I couldn’t tell him no.  I imagine this is what it must be like to be addicted to heroin (just kidding…no I’m not).

So this cycle continues for two years.  But finally, FINALLY, he did something so unforgivable that I finally hit my limit (the limit I should have hit six days after meeting him.  I’m a slow learner).  We were at a party at his place.  It’s one in the morning.  We’re sitting on his porch with some of his friends.  At this point I’m mostly listening to their conversation rather than participating in it.  Out of the blue, and in front of EVERYONE, he looks over at me and says, “I would really like you to leave.  You’re making me uncomfortable.”  Please keep in mind that I was doing NOTHING that would have made him uncomfortable and have witnesses to back me up who apparently laid into him so badly after that he started to feel guilty (but never actually apologized).

That kicked off the summer of rejection ’09 and for a long time I was very gun shy about a lot of things, even with my closest friends, assuming that out of the blue they’d just want to stop being friends with me.  They had to keep reminding me that they weren’t Chris and wouldn’t stop liking me for no reason.

There was never any closure.  After that, when I saw him at events, it was very difficult to be around him.  The first event he tried to overcompensate by being so nice to me it was as if nothing ever happened.  I spent most of the afternoon trying to avoid him while he followed me around.  The second event, he completely ignored me.  The third event he reverted back to his behavior from the first.  It was exhausting.

Around the holidays I finally realized that I’d moved on, that I was detached enough to really see the situation for what it was.  If anything, it was a learning experience.  But there is no greater relief than knowing now he’s out of my system.

The Date:

We met at a fairly high profile restaurant and the first thing he did when he saw me was complement my appearance (+2 points).  He was also right on time (+1 point), which is big in my book as I’ve spent more time than I care to calculate waiting on Johnny Come Latelies because I am obsessively on time.

You’ll have to bear with me because this date was over a year ago so it isn’t fresh on my mind.  What sticks out, though, is that he was interested in my life.  He asked me questions about where I’d lived and worked previously, my interests, etc, etc.  Why is this such a big deal, you ask?  Great question.  The One couldn’t even be bothered to remember my birthday or where I went to undergrad and we were involved for two plus years.  But that’s fine.  So anyway, when the Vampire showed genuine interest in those things plus MORE, I was elated.  Doesn’t take much, apparently.

In addition to the steady flow of conversation, witty banter, and overall good time, he picked up the check and then walked me home.  So cute and chivalrous.  And then texted me about how much fun he had and how he was looking forward to the next time we hung out (and we’d already scheduled the next date).  How ludicrous of me to think he was actually interested.

It is easy to appreciate fun dates like this when the majority of yours are something like the following:

-You forgot to exchange cell numbers and one of you shows up 20 minutes late (okay me), then when the date ends, instead of using the rest room in the restaurant like a normal person, your date literally sprints away from you to pee in the woods.  And then blocks you on IM.  Even though you never tried to contact him after the date.

-Your date turns out to be gay.

-Your date, while perfectly nice, has the personality of a stop sign, so one hour feels like five and you finally have to make up an excuse about how your roommate is so hungover she can’t move and you need to go home and take care of her.

-Sorry, but I’m a height snob, so if you’re shorter than me, I am going to feel uncomfortable no matter how nice you are.

-Your date is not fun or interesting, wears brown pants with black shoes, creeps out the couple you beg to come with you just in case, and then stalks you online for over a year even though you tell him you don’t want to see him anymore.

-He tells you he’s taking you to a bar, but really means “strip club.”

-You go on a date, he tells you he had a great time and can’t wait to see you again, then changes his Facebook status to “in a relationship” … with someone else.

But the worst out of all of these is probably when you do have the best date EVER and it turns into a sham.  Or your in love with someone who won’t even TAKE you on a date because he couldn’t care less.  Or you really like someone who turns out to be married, but they never told you.

The fun never ends!

I would actually say the best date I ever had was my first one with the Vampire, which apparently turned out not to be one because he was dating someone else.  Yeah, I’m that awesome.

I have been going through old e-mails and chats I had with him and they were ridiculous.  He actually emailed me a picture of himself in his boxers AFTER he told me he was dating other people and just wanted to be friends.  But that didn’t stop him from wanting to add me to his apparent collection of pictures from girls dumb enough to send them.  Then I stopped talking to him until he groveled.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Here is an actual excerpt from one of our convos:

I think fuck buddies should have a few more degrees of separation than you and I do.  If we didn’t know each other as well as we do, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. But hanging out + fuck buddies = dating.

Less than a week earlier: I’m sick and can’t come over to make you feel good after your long day.

So you can understand my confusion, yes?

I don’t remember the first time I met the Vampire. He was on my roommate’s softball team (you know, the co-ed rec league ones) and also was the co-worker of one of my good friends. Apparently he came to one of our apartment parties but I was so drunk I didn’t remember actually meeting him. A few weeks after the party he friend requested me on Facebook and I almost ignored it until I realized we had mutual friends and I’d probably met him at some point.

A few weeks after the party we “met” at, we attended a mutual friend’s going away party and spent the night flirting (of course at 2am I was summoned by The One and went running because I am a weak, weak person but we were all on our way home anyway).

After that, the Vampire started texting & e-mailing me on a semi-regular basis. We went out a few times and each night would end the same: he’d take me home, kiss me on the neck, leave, and immediately text me to tell me how much fun he had. Um, what? I know, I shouldn’t talk, since I was emotionally hung up on The One and kind of tangled in another web so it wasn’t like the Vampire was my sole focus either. But all the rule books say he either likes you or he doesn’t and there is no gray area and I would very much like to argue that this qualifies as a gray area. And the other web I was tangled in was of the long-distance variety so the Vampire, of the three, was the most “available” to me (physically in the same city; not an emotional sadist…at that point).

One night at dinner we started talking about movies and he was completely shocked and horrified that I’d never seen Goonies, which, I mean…sorry? He suggested movie night at his place the following weekend. I immediately ran home and gushed to my roommate about how I couldn’t wait for our first kiss because I just KNEW it was going to be great.

The night BEFORE movie night, the Vampire texted me and told me he had canceled his plans for the evening and wanted to do movie night a day early. I politely declined because I’d already made plans and you can’t expect me to drop everything when I’m seeing you the next day…or can you? The Vampire seemed insulted and spent the day “copping a ‘tude” as they say, until he figured out I refused to play his passive aggressive chess game of dating. That alone should have given me check mate…ladies, am I right?

I am not right. He regained the power the next night when we watch the Goonies, among other movies. And our first kiss turned out to be horrible because he said I was too aggressive. If I recall, I had accidentally smacked him in the forehead when I was reaching across him for something and he informed me I was supposed to make it up to him. In any case, the subsequent kisses were better but when I told him I wasn’t spending the night he promptly (and somewhat predictably) fell off the radar for the next two weeks. He was elusive in emails, dodging my what the hell is going on questions until he decided to inform me that “every girl is looking for a serious relationship and I’m not.” So then I stopped speaking to him. Until Halloween. When apparently all is forgiven and we have a sleepover? Then he disappears again.

A month or two goes by. He reappears and asks me why I’m mad at him. Wants to “clear the air.” Note to self: don’t go to a BAR to clear the air because it only makes things worse.

After we talked, things didn’t change at all. So in a bold move one night, I deleted him as a friend on Facebook. He then starts to barrage me with emails, BAFFLED as to why I would do such a thing. It came down to him apologizing for hurting me, then continuing to hurt me. (Why I couldn’t do this with The One, you ask? Great question. When I figure that one out I will respond promptly).

The Vampire and I eventually moved on and became friends again, just in time for him to be in a serious relationship.

So he pursued me as if he wanted a relationship when in actuality he was dating someone else the ENTIRE TIME, which I didn’t find out until we were on the phone one day and the following conversation ensued:
Him: I’m really irritated at a girl I was dating over the fall.
Me: Wasn’t that me…?
Him: Oh, no no no, we didn’t date.

Great. Glad we cleared that one up. I need a nap.